


Traitorous Heart

by CatsShadow



Category: Amar a Muerte, Amar a Muerte (TV), Juliantina - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 05:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17656652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatsShadow/pseuds/CatsShadow
Summary: Juliana's sleepless night thinking about Valentina after Guille's birthday party.





	Traitorous Heart

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't discovered Juliantina on Amar A Muerte please take the time. Brilliantly written and acted. My humble contribution and first fic. Feedback welcome.

I think I'm going to die. 

Not the way you'd think... no cartel, hurricane or even my hitman father are to blame this time. There is no doubt, Valentina Carvajal is going to end me.

My head is still swimming with the dizzying effect of the pill Val slipped me, but I'm reeling because it doesn't even compare to the anxiety of lying sleepless in bed next to her. And I shouldn't be surprised, but Val's as affectionate in her sleep as she is when she's awake. 

She fell asleep so quickly. I'd be jealous if I didn't know her easy fall into slumber was likely the combined black magic of pills and tequila. She feels everything so deeply. No matter how much she's hurt her heart stays wide open and infinitely vulnerable. It's the bravest most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I can't blame her for trying to cope with her pain, but I wish she could see the demons waiting to swallow her if she keeps using. 

It was bad enough when I could hear the rhythm of her breathing from across the soft double bed she insisted we share. I was using all of my willpower fighting the pill fueled thoughts slipping through my defenses. Her eyes, her laugh, the warmth of her hand in mine, the way the sun dances on her hair... But a moment ago she rolled toward me, and before I could react, her hand found my hip, her arm settled across my chest and her head is resting on my shoulder. I feel so many things that I shouldn't... God help me... I have to keep it together. 

I don't do friends. I have seen enough to know that picking who you trust is a matter of life and death. I have learned to never let my guard down. Happiness was a luxury I didn't really think about. My mission was to survive - to dodge the bullets and predators and make enough income to keep us from starving. However, my traitorous heart decided to make up for lost time and abruptly stopped beating for me and started beating for Val the moment our eyes met through her tears. I painfully think about happiness a lot now. A little home, two gold bands, careers, a forever. Snap out of it Juliana!

Friends... who am I kidding? I would do anything for this girl. It's not Val's fault I fell for her. She's been an angel of mercy to me and mi mama when she had no reason to help us. She's proven repeatedly that she's stunning inside and out.

A small surge of jealousy spikes through me as I realize that better people than me probably fall for her every day. I force myself to remember she doesn't feel the way I feel. She has lost so much already, I will not drop this on her and join the long line of people who have caused her pain. I cannot slip for even a moment; she can never know. 

A whispered "Te Amo" startles me out of my thoughts as a sleeping Val somehow hugs me closer. The warmth of her touch is momentarily interrupted by a lancing pain in my chest... Lucho... she's talking about Lucho. Dreaming about her boyfriend while holding me. A strangled chuckle escapes before I can stop it and she shifts and frowns in her sleep. I feel her nuzzle into my neck and I shake my head but cannot resist leaning into her. The universe has a cruel sense of humor. 

If I lost her, I think my heart would stop beating. When I'm near her I actually feel safe. I know in reality that I'm not. That cop is right, being near me exposes her to the dangers that follow on my heels. But her presence is like a balm for my soul and I cannot bear the thought of going back to the darkness after feeling her light. Selfish traitorous heart. 

I can't stop my hand from slowly crossing my heart to rest on her arm. At the contact she pulls me closer and my heart clenches again. My mind flashes back to earlier in the night when she held her hands up to mine and told me to close my eyes and sense her energy. I was trying so hard to be respectful when we danced... she was drunk and high and I've seen too many people take advantage of her. I would not be one of them if I could help it, so I dropped my hands from hers and did my best to keep a space between us even though my body was screaming. When she asked me to close my eyes and play her energy game, we both knew she had already won. When she looks at me, all hope and heart shining out of her, I'll never be able to refuse. Maybe it was wishful thinking but I swear I could feel her. The tingle that started in the palms of my hands grew electric and the feeling crept through me gaining intensity as it went. I thought for the briefest moment that she might feel something more for me too because I felt a tension and a pull towards her that I'd never felt before. I huffed a sigh as I recalled Guille walking in and Val launching off the bed to greet him. That was too close.

I close my eyes and try to calm my breathing. If I can't stop feeling this way, it must stay my burden. "Te amo, Val." I confess in a strangled whisper to the darkness. A single tear leaks down my cheek toward my hopelessly traitorous breaking heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Cheers.


End file.
